Why God Allows Suffering

As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth.  His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so the work of God might be displayed in his life.”     John 9:1-3

It’s been a really, really long time since I’ve posted about Ava on here. I’m sad to say the princess and our family have been experiencing some really rough trials for the last three months.

On January 4^th, Ava had a simple (I say “simple” VERY hesitantly) and routine lengthening on two of the titanium rods in her back.  She went home to heal the very same day. About two weeks later, while at school, Ava’s seizures spiraled out of control.  The seizures started off lasting half an hour each (think about it…half an hour of total loss of control of your mind and body).  She came home and slept until that night, when the seizures cranked up again, this time lasting even longer. Her step-mom took her to a hospital in Meridian, and they sent her to her regular hospital in Jackson.  We were asked all of the same old questions…has there been fever? Rash? Any illness? The answer was no, no, and no. In fact, the only difference I’d seen was that she had been extremely fussy, acting as if she was in severe pain, ever since her lengthening.  She’s five though, with sensory issues, and she’d just had surgery.  That’s to be expected.

She had an EEG, and was monitored closely.  It was noted that Ava had a significant weight gain since the last time her seizure meds were adjusted, so her current meds were tweaked, and a new one (Vimpat) was added, and after a week in the hospital she was really starting to turn around. She would smile, and she could sleep.  She wasn’t spitting up and she sassed when it was time for bed or to do stretches.  She was Ava again!

One week after that, the screaming returned.  Ava would wake up and wither in pain.  She couldn’t lie down, and it hurt to sit up.  There was no way to position her to make her feel comfortable.  I just kept thinking, please Lord, now would be the time to give her the ability to stand!  Each day it got worse.  She would cry longer, she would keep less food down, and eventually her school asked that she stay home until we could figure it out.  To a special needs mother, it’s usually the first sign of defeat when people are no longer comfortable caring for your child.  We packed up and went to her regular pediatrician, and he inspected every inch of her.  There was no fever, and her incision looked fine, although it was taking a little longer than usual to heal.  There were no broken bones or bruises.  Her white blood count was slightly elevated, but she was already on antibiotics because of her surgery so there was no major concern there.  Her seizures were under control, but she was clearly in pain.  He had no answer for me.  As a parent, it was devastating.  It reminded me of those first few weeks of her life when I knew something was wrong but there just wasn’t enough evidence to prove it yet.  I left disheartened that we couldn’t help her, but I knew God did things in his own time, and when it was time, he would reveal to us everything she needed.  I prayed for him to do just that.

That night, I noticed oozing on the gauze over her incision.  Here is what it started to look like over the course of the next 24 hours…

We’ve seen this before, the previous July, when her rod broke through the skin unexplained.  It was obvious that Ava had to go back to Jackson.

Over the next month, Ava endured three more surgeries to have her back healed. A lot of dead tissue had to be removed during each surgery which caused many painful recoveries.  Each time a surgery was finished it seemed as though things were looking up, and then a week or so later, it would start to unravel again.  Much like this…

By this time, we knew an infection was growing rapidly and that was causing her skin to deteriorate rather than it being an issue with her thin non-fatty tissue skin covering like we’d been previously told.  The infection didn’t have a name until late March…staph.  There were even a handful  of doctors from the infectious disease control group who felt like that particular strain had started growing in July 2011 when her rod broke through the skin the first time.  On top of that, the infectious disease control group finally got the proof they needed that the antibiotic she’d been on for nearly three months was not only not helping to kill it, but was possibly contributing to the onset of its fast-paced growth.  She switched to a new one, and within a week, for the first time in months, her back began to heal.

We’ve all heard of staph infection…most of us know someone who’s dealt with it.  We all know it’s one of the most painful and sometimes deadly infections.  It still horrifies me to think she was carrying it in her body for this long without it being found.  Ava can’t tell me where she hurts or how she hurts and this experience is proof positive that even professionals aren’t always equipped to speak for her until it’s almost too late.  It was an incredibly humbling, go-to-God type situation.  My husband, who is usually the family rock, was away with the Air National Guard for most of this trial, and every day I would wake up thinking I had reached my wit’s end.  I couldn’t write blogs about her that sounded anything more than depressing.  I couldn’t mentally deal with other trials our family was experiencing at that time.  I didn’t know how to tell the boys how sick their sister was and I’ll admit I asked a lot of people to keep it from them.  I was angry that she had to endure this, along with all of the health problems she was born with.  Nothing about it seemed fair….and that’s when I was reminded about the story of the blind man being healed in John.

Jesus healed him, but reminded us that we suffer so that God may use us.  Of course it will always hurt me in an unexplainable way to know that my child is so sick, but I know of thousands of ways she has brought me and so many others closer to God, if not through hands-on experience, than through prayer.  I should probably thank God more often for trusting me with her life and showing her witness to me.  I wonder if my sweet little Ava knows just how valuable her life has been so far?  I know one day God will reveal it to her so that she can understand she suffers and is healed because she’s favored. 

We have a God who can raise the dead.  We have God who paid for our sins.  We have a God who’s made a little 5-year-old disabled girl the shining light in so many lives.  He knows exactly what he’s doing.

Today, I’m happy to report that Ava is well on her way to recovery (at least concerning her back).  She’s returned to school, and we usually get a few smiles out of her daily.  Her Ortho surgeon was able to remove her stitches, and the incision has since healed even more.  She’ll remain on an antibiotic for another month, just to be safe, and her next lengthening date has been pushed back to July, but most of all…she’s happy, she’s safe, she’s getting healthy. Praise God!